An Open Letter to my Dad

Dear Dad,

Wow. So many emotions. Sadness. Anger. Love. Joy. Hope. Humility.

Tragically, you couldn’t celebrate my graduation and commissioning with me in Bloomington. However, I brought the party to you! I really enjoyed our time together, milestones like these will always be hard without you here. I didn’t have a tissue, so I had to use my jeans to wipe away the snot and tears. Plus, my allergies are at an all-time high. Sorry, you had to see that, Lol. Also, sorry that I always have trouble finding your gravesite; the stone is so tiny. Now I have to remember that it’s in line with the intersection! The family always talked about getting you a bigger stone. Being 23, I realize how insignificant something like that really matters.

Not sure if ever told you, but you are the main reason I decided to study neuroscience! How complex your life must’ve been! I hold to the stories that I’ve heard from mom about you growing up into your adulthood. Being on the other side of my degree, the complexity I understood before was an understatement. I will always be thankful for understanding you from the sociological, biochemical, and psychological perspectives (to the best of my abilities). I know that I will never know your whole story, but I am at peace with parts of the puzzle I have put together. It will be years before I can share publicly the details of your life. I’m thinking maybe in a book one day. 😉

One of the last classes I took as an undergraduate was “Molecular, Cellular, and Circuits of Addiction.” I always looked forward to this class since I was a freshman because I know you struggled with substance abuse. I got the chance to bird watch with my addiction professor after the final! We identified some bird species in Bloomington and talked about some addiction neuroscience. It was my last act as an undergrad, and it was special because all I could think about was you.

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Being back in Southern Indiana, I am overwhelmed with the love that got me to this point. Here, memories flood my mind of all the men that came alongside me after you passed away. Cody Walker. Bill Weedman. Jerry Naville. Scot Haire. Jerry Dale. Tom Ragland. Charlie Landis. Adam Berry. Steven Koch. Caleb Hutchcraft. Countless stories with these men and many others changed my life forever by very simple acts of love. Worshipping Jesus at your gravesite is a beautiful picture of the power He has to change the darkest of stories.

Here are a few of my favorite songs from our time together, songs that cry how my soul feels:
Anthem – Phil Wickham
Living Hope – Phil Wickham
The Blessing – Kari Jobe
No Fear – Kari Jobe

“How high the mountain I could not climb

In desperation, I turned to heaven

And spoke your name into the night

Then through the darkness

Your loving kindness

Tore through the shadows of my soul”

Although I didn’t stay in touch with many of these men throughout my undergraduate studies, they continued to be examples for me. They helped equip me to attend IU as a follower of Jesus. I was far from perfect throughout my undergraduate; I grew far from Christ, close again, farther again than the last time. Repeat. But no matter how far I was from Christ at any point, he had set a mission in my heart junior year of high school. A flame that no person, no experience, no amount of doubt, or stress could extinguish. Nobody could tell me I was anything but a son of God, and at times I held onto that for dear life. I was so blessed every day, it was impossible to forget what Christ had done for me and what He was actively doing in my life.

Losing you is still incredibly heart-breaking. However, through our story, I met the love of a Father that I can only attempt to communicate to others. I bring my graduation tassel and commissioning plaque to you because I still long for your acceptance, for your love. But here’s the truth: oh, how beautiful, that I can never be more loved than I am right now. There is nothing I can do to let God down. It doesn’t take a degree or military rank to make Jesus proud. I know that the love you have for me comes from the Father. Loving and knowing your Creator has made me love you even more, and I wish to share these moments with you one day.

Until then, nothing gives me more joy than to share the love of the Father that saved me and do everything in my power to prevent what happened to you to others. But as you know, life isn’t fair. Parents die, and young men and women will face whom, where, or what to put their hope in. I can only hope that I am around to share our story. But more importantly, do something as simple as buy them a birthday dinner. I know I will honor you and my Heavenly Father with my life, and I thank you for that opportunity. Thank you for your love, your prayers for me years ago, doing your absolute best, and for simply being you.

Your son,

Ricardo Esteban Stuck Jr.

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